If I should take a notion to jump into the ocean…

I’M NOT DEAD! Well maybe my creative self is. These days I’ve been feeling like an empty entity, just … breathing. Nothing seems to inspire me, even the virginal drapery of snow in the morning doesn’t tantalize me. I feel like I need something new in my life, something fresh.

Music of choice has been Billie Holiday for the last few days, I rediscovered that lovely voice digging up some old forgotten song in my dusty iTunes library. I find the jazz age very interesting, lots of strong, talented women made a mark back then. I think it’s the cat’s pajamas, daddy-o.
Billie was a drug-dependent masochist, seemingly attracting only abusive men who were even more detrimental to her health than the odd drug here and there. Lady Sings the Blues, the movie telling her biography, although an outstanding film, seems to be largely fantasy. It glorifies Louis McKay, one of the most opprobrious men in her life, making it look like he was some sort of saint. Fantasy as it was, I couldn’t take my eyes of Diana Ross’s magnificent portrayal of Billie.

… ain’t nobody’s business if I do.

Louie Louie is a sea shanty

Just received my degree from music school (part-time music school, 3 and a half hours a week). I’m proud of myself, I managed to complete 3 years there. 3 horrid years they were. Well, of course I met some good friends, but I got a very classical training and most of my time there consists of me thinking about all the stuff I could be doing at that time.
I mustn’t be too pessimistic about it though, I did have some laughs and I learnt a lot. The annual public performances gave me the shakes of a withdrawing junkie, not to mention the exams, but I learnt to deal with the pressure and stress and it gave me a lot more confidence.

This is the first time I actually completed something. I didn’t like it, but I stuck with it and now I have something to show for it, that feels good.
I’ve had all sorts of hobbies which I quit after only a few days of membership, I collected stamps, done some horsebackriding, tennis, volleyball, korfball, streetdance, karate … You name it, I quit it.
Next I think I’ll be trying my hand at yoga. Should prove to be interesting, no?

I’ve been toggling with the themes available on WordPress but I can’t seem to be able to make my mind up on which is most befitting for this particular blog.
I think the problem is that none of these themes feel homely. I should give it a bit of an individual touch.

Spent my last money on all sorts of garments and a haircut. Vanity is a great thing.

Fine little girl waits for me, catch a ship across the sea. Sail that ship about, all alone, never know if I make it home.

Simply untitled

Alive. Breathing. Sleeping. Running. Here I am again. How long has it been? Well over a month I think, returning here, I feel as if I have been hibernating. Time flies and my feeling of guilt eats at itself as I fail to live up to yet another commitment, that of updating this blog at least once a month.
Fuck it, why do I even make these commitments? I hate commitments, they make me anxious and guilty. I’m not a commitment-person. I do know why I make them though, I like to regard myself as a reformist, I like to think I can change who I am, the problem is I can’t. We are all the people we’re made to be and we can’t change that. Or is that just lazy thinking?

Fools, philistines and illiterates, regard me as one of them! It’s the end of exams and I do not have good prospects as far as my results are concerned. Isn’t this whole concept ridiculous? On the basis of this one test they give you permission to the next year of ridiculousness. I feel as if we live in an age of harlequins. School in itself is a ridiculous concept, a poor replacement of education. What has happened to education? It angers me how people that know nothing of my capacities are allowed to evaluate me. Excuse cliche of angered anarchist, but I feel as if I’m growing a tumor not letting these feelings out. And they label me as rebellious, this is not rebellion, this is truth spoken by a person who will not just sit back and let modern day nonsensicality wash over her.

Enough of that, before I show you how much of a self-absorbed tit I actually am.
Speaking of self-absorbed tits, the fabulous Sebastian Horsley seems to have commited virtual suicide and claims to have cut off all relations to the internet. Really Sebastian, in this day and age you can hardly do without.
For those of you not familiar with this dark dandy, I suggest you google this persona, as he is an effervescing experience to the brain.
His latest (and last?) blog was actually the the thing that made me want to write this blog in the first place. Allow a little quote:

“I’ve had enough of this shit. The internet is for those who lack the flair of conversation.”

Well I guess I should half agree, it certainly makes communication, and conversation, easier, but to say all users of the internet lack the flair of conversation?
I think this was the goodbye of someone who has lost faith in his own qualities, which is a shame, as I had expected a more grand exit from mr. Horsley.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.

You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain.

If I should pick any song that reflects my feelings at the moment it would have to be I’m So Tired by The Beatles. You can take that quite literally, I haven’t slept well in months. Trouble falling asleep, trouble getting up in the morning, feeling tired all day.
I’m not particularly stressed, I can’t say all is going well emotion-wise (on which I will elaborate later) but I’ve been having this sleeping problem long before those worries came along.
Well, I’m just going to have to wait for this problem to heal itself I’m guessing.

Now on to my emotional disruption on which I touched upon earlier, a couple of days ago, my parents informed me that they wanted to get a divorce. They’ve always fought a lot, my father isn’t a very affectionate man and my mother .. Well she’s just generally unhappy in life at this moment. Adding to this that we’re currently rebuilding our house, which always brings along a lot of tension, you can work out that this situation is getting a bit emotionally straining.
My mother regularly brings up divorce when they’re having one of their fights, but when my father agreed I was quite speechless. I hate their fighting, but I hate the idea of them getting a divorce even more. Just thinking about it makes me scared.
I am so secure in the situation we are in right now, both financially and emotionally, I’m not ready to give that up. And neither are my parents apparently, after long talks they decided to give their relationship another try, not all is back to what it used to be (but then again, we’re trying to change, not growing back in old habits are we?).
I have the feeling my mind is trying to repress what’s happening to them, and at the moment that’s exactly what’s working for me, so that’s what I’ll continue to do. Thinking about it emotionally drains me, really.

On a brighter note, I finally got an iPhone. I’m still one of those few to have that lovely little device here in Belgium as they’re not yet selling them here, because of problems with the legislation concerning the restriction to only one provider I’m guessing.
So, obviously, when I heard of the ability to buy them unlocked (that means being able to work with any sim card, including those of Belgian providers) I had to have one. That’s what my mind tells me you see, “you HAVE to have one, think of the options, for God’s sake think of the options”. Apple seems to have this effect on me with every one of their products (yes, I am typing this on my MacBook), I’m a fool for sleek design.
So I bought mine, and I tell you, it’s like I’ve been living in a cave and have recently moved in in a luxury apartment with an iPod build in. So, am I happy with it? Extremely. Was it worth the money I couldn’t afford to spend? Most certainly.

Paint me an Angel, with wings, and a trumpet, to trumpet my name over the world.

Madman’s Diary

Well.. This blog is going to be a little project of mine, will I be able to keep it updated at least once a month? I’ve had blogs before, the majority of them on my own domains and one on Livejournal, somehow I never seemed to be able to keep them well updated.

I’ve noticed that I fell into a pattern, start a blog, full of ideas and creativity and ending up with a barely updated blog, sullen and frustated by the lack of attention I gave it.
Months would go by while I was slowly, but surely, gaining interest in blogging again. Finaly I would cut the knot and start up a whole new blog. And thus the process repeats itself..

But this time I am starting a blog with a purpose in mind, my virtual friends, my blogs will no longer be a series of random events and thoughts strung together, this blog will help me improve my writing style.
And besides educating myself, it will unload those close to me of having to listen to my inane ramblings on the latest obsession that has filled my, let’s face it, easily influenced mind.

I hope to personalize the header and other such things along the way, it’s important to give it more of a personal touch.

And with this last quote from a man very dear to me, I bid you goodbye.

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about