If I should take a notion to jump into the ocean…

I’M NOT DEAD! Well maybe my creative self is. These days I’ve been feeling like an empty entity, just … breathing. Nothing seems to inspire me, even the virginal drapery of snow in the morning doesn’t tantalize me. I feel like I need something new in my life, something fresh.

Music of choice has been Billie Holiday for the last few days, I rediscovered that lovely voice digging up some old forgotten song in my dusty iTunes library. I find the jazz age very interesting, lots of strong, talented women made a mark back then. I think it’s the cat’s pajamas, daddy-o.
Billie was a drug-dependent masochist, seemingly attracting only abusive men who were even more detrimental to her health than the odd drug here and there. Lady Sings the Blues, the movie telling her biography, although an outstanding film, seems to be largely fantasy. It glorifies Louis McKay, one of the most opprobrious men in her life, making it look like he was some sort of saint. Fantasy as it was, I couldn’t take my eyes of Diana Ross’s magnificent portrayal of Billie.

… ain’t nobody’s business if I do.

Louie Louie is a sea shanty

Just received my degree from music school (part-time music school, 3 and a half hours a week). I’m proud of myself, I managed to complete 3 years there. 3 horrid years they were. Well, of course I met some good friends, but I got a very classical training and most of my time there consists of me thinking about all the stuff I could be doing at that time.
I mustn’t be too pessimistic about it though, I did have some laughs and I learnt a lot. The annual public performances gave me the shakes of a withdrawing junkie, not to mention the exams, but I learnt to deal with the pressure and stress and it gave me a lot more confidence.

This is the first time I actually completed something. I didn’t like it, but I stuck with it and now I have something to show for it, that feels good.
I’ve had all sorts of hobbies which I quit after only a few days of membership, I collected stamps, done some horsebackriding, tennis, volleyball, korfball, streetdance, karate … You name it, I quit it.
Next I think I’ll be trying my hand at yoga. Should prove to be interesting, no?

I’ve been toggling with the themes available on WordPress but I can’t seem to be able to make my mind up on which is most befitting for this particular blog.
I think the problem is that none of these themes feel homely. I should give it a bit of an individual touch.

Spent my last money on all sorts of garments and a haircut. Vanity is a great thing.

Fine little girl waits for me, catch a ship across the sea. Sail that ship about, all alone, never know if I make it home.

Simply untitled

Alive. Breathing. Sleeping. Running. Here I am again. How long has it been? Well over a month I think, returning here, I feel as if I have been hibernating. Time flies and my feeling of guilt eats at itself as I fail to live up to yet another commitment, that of updating this blog at least once a month.
Fuck it, why do I even make these commitments? I hate commitments, they make me anxious and guilty. I’m not a commitment-person. I do know why I make them though, I like to regard myself as a reformist, I like to think I can change who I am, the problem is I can’t. We are all the people we’re made to be and we can’t change that. Or is that just lazy thinking?

Fools, philistines and illiterates, regard me as one of them! It’s the end of exams and I do not have good prospects as far as my results are concerned. Isn’t this whole concept ridiculous? On the basis of this one test they give you permission to the next year of ridiculousness. I feel as if we live in an age of harlequins. School in itself is a ridiculous concept, a poor replacement of education. What has happened to education? It angers me how people that know nothing of my capacities are allowed to evaluate me. Excuse cliche of angered anarchist, but I feel as if I’m growing a tumor not letting these feelings out. And they label me as rebellious, this is not rebellion, this is truth spoken by a person who will not just sit back and let modern day nonsensicality wash over her.

Enough of that, before I show you how much of a self-absorbed tit I actually am.
Speaking of self-absorbed tits, the fabulous Sebastian Horsley seems to have commited virtual suicide and claims to have cut off all relations to the internet. Really Sebastian, in this day and age you can hardly do without.
For those of you not familiar with this dark dandy, I suggest you google this persona, as he is an effervescing experience to the brain.
His latest (and last?) blog was actually the the thing that made me want to write this blog in the first place. Allow a little quote:

“I’ve had enough of this shit. The internet is for those who lack the flair of conversation.”

Well I guess I should half agree, it certainly makes communication, and conversation, easier, but to say all users of the internet lack the flair of conversation?
I think this was the goodbye of someone who has lost faith in his own qualities, which is a shame, as I had expected a more grand exit from mr. Horsley.

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past.